Owning It Completely
By Madeline Pratt
Something kind of ridiculous, and if I’m being honest, pretty crappy happened to me yesterday. While I wish I could say it was an uncommon occurrence, it’s not. It’s something that has happened to just about any woman who has been “daring” enough to share her thoughts or opinions online. Let me explain.
About a year ago I was in discussion with a few publishing entities within my industry about writing some content for wider promotion through their online outlets. Although I decided, in the end, to not pursue it further at that time, I did write several articles related to industry topics and trends. Recently, I decided with my impending maternity leave to make a point to start writing again and sharing some of my thoughts to the industry at large through my connections on LinkedIn and Twitter to continue to stay connected and relevant during my time off.
It was along these lines that I unearthed some of my previous pieces I’d wrote over the past year, and was pleasantly surprised to find that one piece, in particular, was quite solid. That’s the joy of having an overactive brain that’s word prone, you end up stumbling upon work you forgot you even created, and if you’re lucky, some of it might even be halfway decent.
So I took this long-forgotten piece and went to polishing it straight away. The end result was something I was both extremely proud of and really excited to share with my peers in the industry. Once I’d added the final touches in terms of fonts and photos, I anxiously pushed the “Publish” button and waited to see what response I’d receive. It was slow to come, although to be fair I’d published it during my lunch break, and soon I was back to the rest of my work and thoughts of the post drifted from my mind, with the exception of the plan to check back for comments and feedback later in the day.
It was when I was wrapping up my day several hours later, that something completely ridiculous began to unfold. It started innocently enough with a Slack message from a younger male colleague of mine:
“Do you know [insert man name here]?”
No. I replied. At least not off the top of my head.
“Do you have a quick minute to Skype?” He implored.
I did, and I rang him up a few minutes later.
“So you’ve never heard of [insert man name here]?” He began. I confirmed the following, and also informed him though that according to my LinkedIn notifications the same individual he spoke of had been trolling my profile just a few moments prior.
He went on to inform me that said person was an industry influencer in Australia, and a particularly noticeable/loud one to boot. Apparently, when this colleague of mine had retweeted my article that I had posted a few hours earlier, said influencer had noticed. And he had a lot of opinions on the matter. Apparently, this fellow just absolutely appalled when software vendors espoused their opinions on trends within accounting and technology and thought no one but an accountant had the right to speak on the matter.
“Hold up a minute.” I interrupted my colleague. “Those weren’t the opinions of a ‘software vendor’. That was my own thoughts and original writing. Published from my personal page.”
My colleague informed me that this guy didn’t see it that way, and apparently was so flustered about it that he’d reached out to the company directly with a phone call to criticize my ‘thinly veiled sales pitch’ and express his deep disappointment in anyone from the company publishing something of this nature. He also apparently questioned multiple times what on Earth made me even think I was qualified to speak on such a topic.
What. The. Fuck?
I sat there stunned for a few more minutes as my colleague explained that they had calmed the old chap down and assured him that my thoughts weren’t representative of the company and that they were my own opinions that I was qualified to have. Apparently the words of this twenty-year-old male colleague were more valuable and worth listening to that of a female who has spent her entire career focused on the very same topic she had the audacity to have some thoughts and opinions about.
“One last thing,” my colleague said before he signed off. “This guy is known to be a little bit...umm...vocal...online and it can get kind of nasty. If I were you, I’d keep an eye on the comments thread of that post.”
I signed off Skype still in disbelief. Had I really heard that right? Some random man from around the world, who had never even met me was calling up the company I worked for to complain about my writing and opinions. However, being as steeped in sexism as I am these days, my disbelief quickly turned to anger.
On the train home, I texted one of my dearest friends. “Got a minute to let me rant about some sexist bullshit?” I inquired. She did, and she was equally appalled, although by no means surprised, as we both have dealt consistently with mansplainers of all varieties throughout our prospective careers. However, for me this kind of hit a pretty deep nerve.
By the time I got home, I was seething. Which was, of course, was exactly when my colleague (the one I’d Skyped with earlier) started texting me screenshots of the post this guy had now made about my writing online, and all the comments that were ensuing. He didn’t directly call me out by name, instead choosing to refer to me simply as a ‘software vendor’ (last time I checked I was a living breathing person with a name) or actually link to my writing, but it was pretty damn clear who and what he was talking about, and then, in turn, discussing ad nauseam in the comments with his fellow white-haired buddies.
I wrote a comment on the thread and then deleted it before I hit “post”. I wrote a different version of the same comment and then chose to delete it again. I took a walk to get some fresh air. I texted my girlfriends. I closed my laptop. I was still seething, but thanks to the reassurance of my good friends and my partner, I managed to resist the urge to defend myself in the trolling comment thread.
Crawling into bed, still visibly shaken up about it, I turned to my partner and said the one real thing that was gnawing at me:
“Sometimes I wonder if I should just delete all of my social media altogether. If I should just stop posting online because people can be the absolute worst and I don’t want to bring that into my life.”
He looked at me dead on and said: “Why would you ever say that? Why would you let them win?”
And I knew he was so completely right. Except to me, it isn’t about winning or losing, it’s about my fundamental right to speak up and be heard, and not be discredited by my age or gender or any other factor. It’s about being able to write about a topic that I’ve literally dedicated my entire career to without having some random old man question my authority, experience, or qualifications to have an opinion on the topic. It’s about more than myself, it’s about standing up and making way for other women in tech to be heard as well and for them not to be afraid to speak up and share their own voices.
Don’t get me wrong, I know full and well the choices I am consciously choosing to make by sharing my life story, thoughts, and writing online. And I sign up for them wholeheartedly, because I believe in the power of sharing stories. But I’m not about to be mansplained to any longer. So after sleeping on it, I woke up bright and early and sent the mansplainer this:
No, I didn’t call him out publicly. I didn’t even ream him that harshly because honestly, old white trolls are a dime a dozen and I’ve got more valuable ways to spend my time. But I did what felt right for me which was in my own way to say “I SEE YOU. And I’m not having any of it.”
Last time I checked the message was read but he never bothered to reply. For someone who seemed to have so much to say about me yesterday, he seems to not be sure what to say now.
In the end, though, this isn’t about me. I know what I’m signing up for and I own it. Completely. I will take the good with the bad, although I’d like to avoid the ugly if possible. However, I will not accept that this will continue to be the norm for women when they chose to speak up and speak out online. I won’t stand for it. This is exactly why I will continue to dedicate myself to working specifically with women and female-owned operations. Until the time comes that we actually have an even playing field to stand on and we aren’t questioned for simply having opinions, there is still plenty of work to be done.
